There are over seven billion people on Earth. Why are people still having kids? Reproducing children is not taken nearly as seriously as it should be in this world. People treat the idea of having a kid like they’re going to get a pet turtle. We seem to have forgotten the ramifications of duplicating ourselves. So here at WWW, we took the liberty of compiling a list to point out the downsides of being so liberal with your sperm.
5. The commitment
For anyone that wants to be even a decent parent, the commitment of having a child is quite permanent…at least for the next 18 years or so. Children require pretty much all of your waking attention and even some of your sleeping attention (especially as infants). Be prepared to no longer feel like you have your own life. Why would anyone want to do this to themselves? Get a guinea pig instead. There’s much less at stake. If you make a mistake here and there, the chances that the guinea pig will turn into a serial killer are quite slim (we think). Don’t have kids.
4. The cost
Need we say this? Kids cost money – a LOT of money. Not just a lot of money, but a lot of money for a LONG time. They say the average cost of raising a child in America is about $230,000 from birth to the age of 17 (this is of course if you actually support the child and don’t depend on the government to do it for you in which case you definitely should not be having kids in the first place). That’s a nice chunk of change. Ladies, every time you let a man knock you up you’re potentially costing yourself a cool quarter mil. Let that sink in a bit. In all reality the only people who can truly afford to have kids are millionaires. If you have more than 2 or 3 kids, you better be at least extremely comfortable financially. If not, you’re a terrible person. Stop having kids.
3. You’re not that great
I know you think you are but you’re not. The world doesn’t need more of you. People who have more than four kids need their heads examined. I know that you think you sound super cool when you ask for that extra shot of espresso in your mocha frappe douche latte but you definitely don’t – and we don’t need more traffic. McDonald’s drive thru line is already long enough. Seriously it took me 30 minutes to get a Big Mac the other day. So much for fast food, huh? Oh wait, where was I again? Sorry, back to the article. Leave some room for more variety. Plenty of other people are polluting the world with duplicate versions of themselves, one or two of you should be quite enough. Stop having kids.
2. You don’t know what you’re doing
I am utterly amazed at how many parents flat out suck at being parents. A friend of ours brought her 8 year old kid over the other day and he told me to turn my TV down. – MY TV….in MY HOUSE. I looked at his terrible mother and she looked at me like she was waiting for me to listen to the little bastard. I didn’t of course…until she said “he can’t hear with the TV up”. I was speechless because I was waiting for her to beat him with a blunt object of some sort and she did the opposite – she enabled his behavior. This is common for parents, too – I see it all the time. Your kids are turning into assholes and you’re doing nothing to curb it. Please save the world from dealing with the burden of your terrible decision. Don’t have kids.
- Do you really know them that well?
This is a big one. You’re reproducing with someone you think you know, but do you really know them? One does not have to look far to find a woman complaining about how much of a piece of shit her baby’s father is. Think this is something you maybe should’ve paid attention to before you allowed him to shoot his biological soldiers into your big sloppy love tunnel? Same goes for men. You’re idiots. Stop getting women pregnant because I’m tired of hearing about how bad you have it with all your baby mama drama. Kids are one of the most avoidable mistake of all, yet we find ourselves in a whirlwind of jaded ex-lovers bickering incessantly over ridiculous, petty shit – which only brings harm to the children. Date for a while – like YEARS. Use condoms. Take birth control. Pull out. Or, all of the above. This way when you find out the guy you’re banging is actually Hitler with a hipster beard and v-neck sweater, you won’t have a permanent connection to him.
Don’t have kids.